sand theraphy works for me?

i have signed up for a few counseling sessions, and one of it is  sand theraphy....iam not sure will this theraphy works for me? but i am hoping i can channel some positive aura or energy to my husband and to whoever near to me...at least i try to do something good but not commit suicide?

Mold Attacks My Rice Cooker

I can't believe when I opened the rice cooker this evening after that LONG months I never touch any cookware, there was still rice in my rice cooker, probably 3 months old.

Terrible gray and black mold all over the cooker, anyhow, seems like an easy plan but still a pain. Pain as I thought my husband is coping it well during these few months, in fact he is not. He used to wash the cookware and kitchen when I was with Yanxue or during pregnant. I did the cooking part and he done the cleaning part. 

And started to worry about Yanxue's clothes that ares still in loundry bag untouch, will mold attach his romper???

Three Months

It has been three months since the last time I kissed his cheeks, smelled his baby sweetness, held his pudgy hand.  

It has been three LONG months of pain.  Not much has changed, on the one hand, so much has changed.

When I think about him, my heart feel more bitter as if been cut and teared into pieces bleeding.

I am getting used to the fact that my life is painful and that I needn't expect it to be any other way.  Happiness looks like reserved for "other people".

People ("other people") are still insensitive, in general, just are "Normal" people.  When someone shows me just how insensitive they are, I have learned not to go back to the same person expecting anything more.  I just let them go.  I don't miss them anymore.

Some people have gone out of their way to support and love us.  These are people that I feel lucky to know.  That I will be grateful to for the rest of my life.  I don't know how I will ever repay them. Maybe next life....

My day

Many times I don't feel much strength to stand, no energy to clean, to work or anything...but I still get up everyday and do the best I can do everyday. Most days my best isn't great, but it's my best at this given time in my life. I miss Yanxue more than I ever have before. The pain of him being gone has really hit me. Time keeps going, and it makes me feel further away from him.

Thinking of us?

One of the hardest things about grief is that you have it forever, but the people around you eventually move on. The calls and emails and text messages slow down. It’s not that they aren’t sad, or stopped caring, but they can’t hold your hand forever. Nor should anyone expect them to. Sometimes I really wish that people would try harder for me and my hubby. I got a text that said, “I’m thinking of you... ” It was so simple and easy, it took maybe twenty seconds to type. But it made me cry, because that friend not only remembered, but took the time to tell me. Something as easy as a text message can literally overwhelm me with gratitude. And I wonder, why can’t more of my friends and family do this? Honestly, I almost hesitate to publish this, because I know it sounds so whiny. But then I think of all the people who say, “What can I do? Can I do anything to help you?” My standard reply is, “Oh, I’m OK.” But really? I’m not. Not at this time of year. So, if you want to help me, you can tell me that you’re thinking of me. You can send me a text, an email, send a card. I need this. I need to know that you still care. And I’m going to need to know next year. And the year after. And after.

so, what now

Today, I woke up. Today, the crib was still empty. Today, there was no smiling, squealing, warm and squishy baby waiting for me. Today, I think I am drowning.

Living in this world alone?

Since I was young, I always imagine what other people thinking in their mind? especially when travelling in a public transport. Everyone's mind will pop out with a lot of "things" in their mind like how the cartoonist draw a cloud above their head. People live in their world or out of their own world? If one attached too much in their own world, when death arrives, he/she will collapse. I am one of it...

Women oh Women!

Taking an hour at one time

I can have different feeling every hour or even minutes, like roller coaster feeling. The moment I think of yanxue, I was not able to to control my tears. My hubby told me that he was not feeling alright the previous few days, I wanted to let him know I was too...

The Moment

On 22 March, 2012 I lost my son.  He was 103 days old. I got a phone call around 2:30 pm i was just came back from lunch. My daycare owner told me to get to daycare immediately. I still remember the voice from her vividly, she asked: "Can you come to daycare centre now? your son has no breathing, he is turning into purple!"

I begged her " Can you please send him to hospital/clinic as soon as possible????" I cried. 

I then grabbed car's key and sped all the way from my office to daycare. Then i prayed he be alright, let me get there and find it was just a minor scare.
 .....

(to be continued, I can't afford to finish this at once)

This Too Will Pass

When life is good do not take it for granted as it will pass. Be mindful, be compassionate and nurture the circumstances that find you in this good time so it will last longer.
When life falls apart always remember that this too will pass. Life will have its unexpected turns.