what is my feeling?

it has been long time i never care about my heart, my feeling. after one month not knowing what am i looking at, what i am working at, what am i living at.i am struggling living in this world, the world that i able to touch, i able to put my feet on the land, but i never feel i am able to breath properly. with my life changed after i lost my lovely yanxue, i always hoping to meet him in the heaven.